Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
