dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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