I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize