I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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