I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
