I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
