I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
i think i just lost a toe
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
