Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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