Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
