I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
