I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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