just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
