Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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