I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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