Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
