The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
