I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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