this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
My vagina just clenched in fear
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
