FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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