After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
