I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
