he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
