The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
