woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize