Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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