I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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