Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
My vagina just recognized that song.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
