the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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