Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Buhtt sex?
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
