you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
