I accidentally had phone sex last night
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
