I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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