So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
