Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
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