I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Randomize
