Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
