i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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