Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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