I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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