did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Betty ford says i'm here all night
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
