here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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