Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
