I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
