im drinking this country out of the recession.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Randomize
