bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
We talked him into tasing himself.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
3pm strippers are depressing
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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