have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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