Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
