Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Randomize
