can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize