You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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