3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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