Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake đź‘Ś
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
