hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
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