They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
