The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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