you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
