I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
