Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
