I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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