U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize