gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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