im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
